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West Ham United 3 Watford 1 (17/07/2020) 18/07/2020

Posted by Ian Grant in Match reports.
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1. When him and me started this thing, as opposed to that thing, it was with the idea that we’d frisbee out short-and-pithy reports, aiming both to offer a passing whiff of what’d happened and, crucially, to give ourselves much less to do. We began with one-word reports and thus our Sundays were reclaimed from the tyranny of deciphering notes, thinking up elaborate metaphors, being indecisive about player ratings, and all of the rest.

You know how that went: my Norwich report was nearly two thousand words long. That’s an awful lot of words for what’s essentially Man Watches Telly While Grumbling. The numbers are a relic of the point at which we abandoned one-word reports in favour of ‘thunks’, slightly less short-and-pithy but only marginally so. One short observation per number, up to five. Go. Done.

But then the thunks grew, because we like words and we like football and so we really like words-about-football. The short observations became less short observations became not-at-all-short observations became, well, this sort of nonsense. The observations grew together, tangled like brambles, until deciding where to put the numbers became really rather

2. arbitrary. We broke the five-thunk rule and expanded to six, seven, eight and beyond. Expectations returned; yours, ours. The player ratings returned too, although they’re mercifully no longer the subject of quite as much contention as they were back in the day.

It’s still nowhere near as much work as BSaD used to be: that was like having a part-time job, hiding, like the innards of a Russian doll, within the outer shell of whatever I actually being paid to be doing. But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t feel a sense of weariness and nervousness when approaching the blank screen that’s supposed to become a report. What if I haven’t got it any more? What if there’s nothing in the mysterious well in my brain from which all of this stuff comes, just the sound of the bucket clunking on the bottom? (And I’d also be lying if I said that I don’t re-read them with a sense of wonder and surprise over the subsequent days, delighted that someone’s managed to capture my thoughts so perfectly, unable to entirely reconcile the idea that that person was me.)

3. The sound of a bucket clunking on the bottom of an empty well seems pretty appropriate, on this occasion. Early on this Saturday morning, the morning after, the sun is shining. Blue sky, bluer sea, fresh breeze. Tea, but not yet breakfast. I can hear Fred in the living room, cooing at a programme about puppies. Andrea’s having a lie-in. It isn’t a day to be wasted on inquests. What would that achieve?

4. So, back to basics. One-word match report. All yours. No need for more than four letters, I wouldn’t have thought.

Comments»

1. hhhh - 18/07/2020

Abject.

(And that’s 2 letters more than they deserve)

2. Alistair Wilson - 18/07/2020

Oops!

3. David Allen - 18/07/2020

Can I have 5 letters?
Aargh!

4. itmightneverhappenblog - 18/07/2020

They’ve earned the right to have their tummies tickled on the last day of the season. Arse.

5. Publisher - 18/07/2020

Soggy

6. Publisher - 18/07/2020

No…

LIMP

7. Sequel - 18/07/2020

Flange!

8. Harefield Hornet - 18/07/2020

Damn

9. Old Git - 18/07/2020

After the third goal, I switched off and watched Gardener’s World instead. There was a rather strange piece about how to tie up tomato plants with chopped up pairs of tights and little bits of wood. The woman who did it triumphantly explained how this technique could also be used for sweet peas. I couldn’t understand why this was given such prominence in the programme, when a little bit of twine would do just as well, with none of the faffing about. Baffling.
On Tuesday evening I see it’s back to back ‘You’ve Been Framed’ on ITV2. That’ll do for me.

Andy hornet - 19/07/2020

Interesting choice, you are essentially substituting 2 hours of watching people fall over to the sound of a fake audience in place of watching 2 hours of people falling over to the sound of a fake audience.

Will - 19/07/2020

This made me laugh a lot

10. Nashinho - 18/07/2020

Dire.

11. Aberd’orn - 18/07/2020

Nocojones.

12. John Smith - 18/07/2020

Calamity
Sorry

13. Chris Todd - 18/07/2020

languor – noun: lack of energy or vitality; sluggishness. lack of spirit or interest; listlessness; stagnation. physical weakness or faintness. emotional softness or tenderness.-

14. Matthew Wells - 18/07/2020

Down

15. Tapps - 18/07/2020

Rude

16. Charlie - 18/07/2020

Late

17. Reg Sport - 18/07/2020

Crap

18. Tim wells - 18/07/2020

Dung

19. Buckstops - 18/07/2020

Absent

20. OX33 ‘orn - 18/07/2020

safe

21. Dave Farquharson - 18/07/2020

Why?

22. David - 18/07/2020

Desperate.

I can name the games on the fingers of one hand where the watford team has produced performances less than the sum of its parts. Even if I consider last nights starting XI to be worse than I previously considered, It was still abject.

23. Wrighty - 18/07/2020

Rudderless

24. Leggatts 'orn - 18/07/2020

Toss

Leggatts 'orn - 18/07/2020

Pots

25. Leggatts 'orn - 18/07/2020

Pots

26. SteveG - 18/07/2020

Piss.
Poor.
Grim.

27. Ray Knight - 18/07/2020

Every game since the re-start has seen us begin games slowly. We have never taken the lead or imposed ourselves in midfield. Should not underestimate missing Capoue just when we needed him the most. Mountain to climb now. Realistically need favours from elsewhere this week. Can’t help remembering the capitulation against AV away. If we can’t pull if off we will deserve to go down as we cannot defend for toffees. I was falling out of luv with football due to VAR anyway. Then came COVID-19 and apart from one or two great goals the product is poor. Will not be renewing the ST whatever happens.

Stuart Long - 19/07/2020

The very first game v Leicester had warning signs before kick off. Leicester took the field and lined up first(protocol), then 5 or 6 Watford players. Then another couple about 20 secs later, followed by the others in dribs and drabs. I thought ‘hello’ at the time. I can just imagine GT putting up with that sort of nonsense.

28. David Smith - 18/07/2020

nadir

29. Andy Castle - 18/07/2020

Abyss (never sure if there is a second “s”, but what the hell – you know what I mean)

30. Paul Caruso - 18/07/2020

Omnishambles

31. Edmund J - 19/07/2020

That Liverpool game was our worst match of the season. We may have got the 3 points but the loss of Deulofeu has cost us 5 or 6 since. So while some people might like to look back on it as a bright spot, I don’t want to be reminded of it. Not yet. Maybe not for a long time. That was a 4-letter word of BSaD proportions.

32. Harefield Hornet - 19/07/2020

Provisory

33. Harefield Hornet - 19/07/2020

Another Coach!

34. Naphill Hornet - 19/07/2020

Lost for words regardless of how many letters.

35. Ray Knight - 19/07/2020

He’s coming home…he’s coming home…Dyche’s coming home! What a basket case of a club at the moment. Still think it must be something pretty big to sack Mr Ostrich! Will we ever find out. Luv to all true fans.

36. Big Al - 20/07/2020

Insipid

37. Simon - 21/07/2020

Sacktacular.


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